ALL TIME TEAM: Craig Krenzel

College football is great because it's the highest level of the sport that remains rooted in a simple desire for competition. It's our most military game, replete with enough martial metaphors to stock entire press conferences and Thursday night ESPN2 broadcasts. Well, sometimes the guys who get remembered aren't the real heroes. Sometimes it's the guys who just show up and fight, who retain that desire to compete, break skulls, pillage, win, and go home. Over here, we try to remember some of the guys who have made college football worthwhile that don't get the accolades they should from cold, heartless, bitch-slapping posterity. Honoree #1: Craig Krenzel. Look at him. Just at his face. Does that intimidate you? We might as well ask if Ron Howard intimidates you. You're probably thinking that you could take that guy, and we can't blame you. You'd disrespect a guy that looks like that just for kicks, because there's nothing he can do about it. Why not have a little fun? You'd mess with the guy.

And you'd end up just like the other poor bastards who underestimated Craig Motherfucking Krenzel.In case you haven't noticed, his teammates are carrying him on their shoulders like he's their goddam hero. Why? Because the guy was. Krenzel was an All-American coming out of high school, known for precise passes and lots of touchdowns. It took several years of college football, however, to make clear that his arm wasn't nearly as important as his adamantine, industrial diamond-encrusted skull. You may remember now that his favorite play seemed to be the two yard QB sneak for a vital first down. You may remember that his head crushed its way to where it needed to be time after time after time. And if he had to, he'd just make retarded fourth down TD passes down by six in the fourth quarter, a la Purdue, 2002.

Krenzel was the leading rusher in the epic national title game against Miami in 2003. Yeah, not Maurice Clarett. Krenzel. The Miami defense was comprised of a near-historic collection of angry maladjusted freaks, and they had a month to prepare for the always-innovative Ohio State offense. Jim Tressel was essentially leading Krenzel to the slaughter. Excellent coaching combined with frightening athleticism to make Miami's D completely impenetrable. No run, no pass, nothing.

But you can't prepare for Craig Krenzel's head. Without any other options, Craig began lowering the boom and taking punishment from guys who would soon be millionaires based solely on their talent (and enthusiasm) for hurting people.

That's Jonathon Vilma doing his damnedest to kill Craig Krenzel. Like everyone else, he failed. If you're not feeling stupid now, you ought to. Remember earlier, when you thought you could take this guy on? Well, if Jonathon Vilma made you the unfortunate recipient of a shot like the one above, you would probably melt or shatter like movie-glass. Krenzel just got up and ran for 81 yards and a win.


We miss watching Craig Krenzel. Sure, he's largely responsible for the hold Ohio State has on the college football world at the moment, and for that he should be shunned. But we just can't begrudge a guy the power of his granite forehead. It's a rare sight, and a great one, when you know you are watching someone who cannot and will not stop until he gets where he wants to go. Guys like Craig Krenzel come the closest to justifying all of the military comparisons football receives. For this, Craig is the first player named to the All Time Team. Metric tons of unembarrassed manlove thrown your way, Craig. Bask in the glow.