STILL "RED," BUT NO LONGER "BIG"

Embedded in the title is the link to SMQ's argument that Nebraska will necessarily be vastly improved this season. Bill Callahan and his "defense is what we do while the offense rests" school of football coaching managed to create last year's Husker defense out of solid four- and five-star recruits. Well done, Bill. You made the blackshirts into the little black dresses. Bo Ruud probably wants to smash you, and ought to.

Pictured: 2007 Cornhusker defense

Point is, college football is more fun when Nebraska is good. Sports radio loves to point out how behemoths like the Yankees, the Sawax, the Cowboys, the Lakers, and Notre Dame are necessary evils because the sport is more interesting when they're good. I'll grant you all of those except ND, because, let's face it, it's way more interesting when the Irish are abysmal. What would we do without entertainment like Lou Holtz? One of these days the Fightin' Shillelaghs are going to get so bad that Ol' Lou will have to actually admit that they're bad on-air, leading to a Fembot-from-Austin-Powers-type reaction as his brain overloads from the ultimate "2+2=5" statement in the Holtz universe.

Pictured: Lou Holtz. Just go with it.

Come on, you know it's true. College football really is more interesting when the traditional powers are competitive. Deep in your heart of hearts, you know it's more fun when Nebraska, Penn State, Michigan, Alabama, and even Florida State are good, no matter how many times you've thrown knives at that tacked-up picture of Bo Schembechler in your parents' basement.

AND WHILE WE'RE IN WORSHIP MODE...

Despair, ye mortals.



And, just because someone got a simile right for once...



To sum this up much better than we ever could, here's Orson over at EDSBS:
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/01/03/ode-to-owen-schmitt/
Here's the video from his post, since removed. It's too good to miss. Please note the bleeding lip.

TAKE HEED, MERE MORTALS

Click on the title of this post to see the relevant article. If you go to the first page, you'll see that Natalie Portman is a Harvard grad and that Kate Beckinsale is a master poetess or something. And who knew that Asia Carrera was actually just the worst case of daddy-revenge in recorded history?

But the real revelation is that DRAGO IS SUPERHUMAN. Seriously.
"The man reportedly has an IQ of 160. He graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology in Sweden, got his master's in chemical engineering, then was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT. After just two weeks of that, his superhuman intellect allowed him to calculate that a life spent inventing life-saving chemicals would mathematically contain less awesome than one movie spent playing He-Man...Hey, did we mention that he speaks five languages (French, Swedish, German, English and Italian)? Or, that he's a Pentathlon Team Leader and a former Ranger? And a third-degree black belt?"

In other news, Dolph also discovered the 401(k), defused the Cuban Missle Crisis and probably slept with your girlfriend last night. We've been making Chuck Norris jokes, when all this time we had a real live Ubermensch in our midst. And it's not like he was hiding. If a secret identity is your goal, being fucking He-Man and saying, "I will break you" and meaning it aren't the ways to do it.

The point is, atheists, when you get the urge to pray but still hold a grudge against God, just take a shortcut and pray to Dolph. Make sure to beg for mercy.

NOTE: All heads are to scale

So, Hoover, Alabama, is the epicenter of the annual ten megaton hype explosion that is SEC Media Days. I love this event because it captures the zeitgeist perfectly:

Has anything happened?
NO!
Is something about to happen?
NOT PARTICULARLY!
Is there anything to talk about?
ARE YOU KIDDING?!
Oh... well, wanna make stretch this out over a few days and "report" from it breathlessly every five minutes?
I'VE ALREADY CAMPED OUT FOR A PRIME SABAN ARRIVAL POSITION!

You know how every episode of The Hills basically boils down to a big hunk of nothing? "Will we do something... or should we not?" Media Days is The Hills with highly paid middle-aged men, who thankfully, spend far less time in their bikinis than Audrina. Except for Rich Brooks. Anyway, thanks to 24 hour media saturation, we have an event to discuss things that have not occurred and rehash things that have been covered without pause since last season. It's a giant, expensive celebration of the Nonevent. Thank you, internet, for helping rush society toward this point.














That said, the entertainment is at times unparalleled in these dog days. http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2008/07/tennessees_phillip_fulmer_serv.html

*sigh*

We're going to make a go of this because, hey, what do you risk? The fancy will invevitably pass, but until then, it's just too easy to create a digital soapbox these days. Our vanity could resist no longer.