Red Clay For Brains

SUCK IT, NIETZSCHE!

2010-01-29T11:56:00.000-08:00

There IS a God, and we have proof:

Now, I know you're excited, but let's be logical about this. What we have here is too beautiful to spoil with hasty slobbering.

This is a piece of art depicting recent Georgia quarterback Joe Cox tensely surveying the field as two Georgia linemen fend off two real, actual tigers. That is what it is. But it is so much more, my friends. This picture is earnest. It is not ironic. If it was an attempt to be ironic or snarky, it would just be a huge waste of time. But someone (namely, the ingenious Jeremy Hugley) took the real time to create this artwork out of genuine appreciation for Georgia, Joe Cox, tigers, and FEARLESSNESS. That is what makes it great. And make no mistake, you son of a bitch, it is great. No, Great.

I'd explain how this slice of fried gold fell from the sky and right into our eternally grateful and utterly unworthy hands, but it would only detract from the magnificence that is this shard of perfection. Bask in it.

So, there it is: proof that, though life is full of sound and fury, it does not signify nothing.

Apologies

2008-09-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

...to ourselves. We admit, the audience for this blog is limited. To no one. So we're just cheating ourselves, really.

Times are tough and stressful, and illness abounds. While we're making excuses, we have nasty hangnails, we're still pouting over the fact that Cher won a fucking Oscar, and the apartment is infested with koala bears. Oh, and gas prices, dude.

The point of this endeavor was originally to ruminate extensively on college football, oh Game of Games. How pathetic it is, then, that two weeks of the season have passed with nary a word from us. How to express two weeks of content in a few words?

Knowshon: Coolest kid from Jersey since Carl Brutananadilewski

Mooninite'd!

That'll do it.

More soon.

ALL TIME TEAM: Craig Krenzel

2008-08-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

College football is great because it's the highest level of the sport that remains rooted in a simple desire for competition. It's our most military game, replete with enough martial metaphors to stock entire press conferences and Thursday night ESPN2 broadcasts. Well, sometimes the guys who get remembered aren't the real heroes. Sometimes it's the guys who just show up and fight, who retain that desire to compete, break skulls, pillage, win, and go home. Over here, we try to remember some of the guys who have made college football worthwhile that don't get the accolades they should from cold, heartless, bitch-slapping posterity. Honoree #1: Craig Krenzel. Look at him. Just at his face. Does that intimidate you? We might as well ask if Ron Howard intimidates you. You're probably thinking that you could take that guy, and we can't blame you. You'd disrespect a guy that looks like that just for kicks, because there's nothing he can do about it. Why not have a little fun? You'd mess with the guy.

And you'd end up just like the other poor bastards who underestimated Craig Motherfucking Krenzel.In case you haven't noticed, his teammates are carrying him on their shoulders like he's their goddam hero. Why? Because the guy was. Krenzel was an All-American coming out of high school, known for precise passes and lots of touchdowns. It took several years of college football, however, to make clear that his arm wasn't nearly as important as his adamantine, industrial diamond-encrusted skull. You may remember now that his favorite play seemed to be the two yard QB sneak for a vital first down. You may remember that his head crushed its way to where it needed to be time after time after time. And if he had to, he'd just make retarded fourth down TD passes down by six in the fourth quarter, a la Purdue, 2002.

Krenzel was the leading rusher in the epic national title game against Miami in 2003. Yeah, not Maurice Clarett. Krenzel. The Miami defense was comprised of a near-historic collection of angry maladjusted freaks, and they had a month to prepare for the always-innovative Ohio State offense. Jim Tressel was essentially leading Krenzel to the slaughter. Excellent coaching combined with frightening athleticism to make Miami's D completely impenetrable. No run, no pass, nothing.

But you can't prepare for Craig Krenzel's head. Without any other options, Craig began lowering the boom and taking punishment from guys who would soon be millionaires based solely on their talent (and enthusiasm) for hurting people.

That's Jonathon Vilma doing his damnedest to kill Craig Krenzel. Like everyone else, he failed. If you're not feeling stupid now, you ought to. Remember earlier, when you thought you could take this guy on? Well, if Jonathon Vilma made you the unfortunate recipient of a shot like the one above, you would probably melt or shatter like movie-glass. Krenzel just got up and ran for 81 yards and a win.

We miss watching Craig Krenzel. Sure, he's largely responsible for the hold Ohio State has on the college football world at the moment, and for that he should be shunned. But we just can't begrudge a guy the power of his granite forehead. It's a rare sight, and a great one, when you know you are watching someone who cannot and will not stop until he gets where he wants to go. Guys like Craig Krenzel come the closest to justifying all of the military comparisons football receives. For this, Craig is the first player named to the All Time Team. Metric tons of unembarrassed manlove thrown your way, Craig. Bask in the glow.

NEW UGA UNIFORMS!!!

2008-08-04T07:26:00.001-07:00

BARFIGHTS! DEBAUCHERY! TEQUILA SHOTS! BEATDOWN! NATTY LITE! FIST PUMP!!!

Oops

2008-08-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

This blog originates in Georgia, so is it lame if we quote Gone With the Wind? Yes, it is, but it's happening. Apologies.

"There's nothing I hate more than waste, and that's what this is, a waste." That's Rhett Butler talking about the Civil War, then later saying the same thing about this story:

The dismissal of wide receiver Josh Jarboe came after the player appeared in a 74-second, profanity-laced video in which he rapped about guns and shooting people. The video is circulating on the Internet and appears to have been filmed in a university athletic dormitory.

If Josh Jarboe were a duck, right now he'd look like this.

This same quote attributable to so many talented young men with so much to lose (see: Ryan P. of Jacksonville State!). Smooth move there, Josh. File this one under the "18-year-old kids are idiots" tab. You're probably saying, "Gee, if I were a prized recruit with a full scholarship who got in trouble just a few months ago for bringing a gun to school, keeping a low profile would probably be a good idea. So I would." No you wouldn't. You'd be 18, and stupid. When you're that age and male, you're dumb. That's science.

We'll see who picks ol' Josh up. And by that, we mean we'll see who survives the clawing, poking and slapfighting match that Urban Meyer and Nick Saban will have running towards Jarboe. Of course, since Saban signed 58 players this year, we give the edge to Meyer.

As long as it's not Richt.

noooooOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

2008-08-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

Dammitdammitdammit. We try to remain blog neutral as a Unitarian of College Football, but deep down, our heart of hearts is red. Uh, we bleed red. Goddammit, we're Georgia fans. You get it.

Anyway, we're also superstitious. The initial Coaches Poll came out this morning, and guess who's sittin' at the top? Shit.

Note the colors of this poor bastard's clothes.

It's so dadgum hard to go wire to wire as #1, this lofty beginning makes us nervous. The good news is that UGA's schedule is really what our pal Hercules would more accurately call "My fuckin' Labors, man, and guess what? They're not fun" so starting off as high as possible could be quite good in case of a loss (/we cross ourselves). Don't want to end up like 2004 Auburn, aka "The Grandest Prison Rape Screwjob In Athletic History." Also, the time to begin worrying is really if Sports Illustrated picks you #1. Really, have they EVER gotten that right? That SI jinx thing is for realz, yo. We all remember that March 30, AD 33 cover, don't we?

DAA na na na na na GO GATORS!

2008-08-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

This just in: good ol' Ronnie Wilson is comin' back to Flawda! WOOOOO! GAYTER BAIT!!!

Ronnie was kicked off the team (read: tapped on the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper) after he fired a gun last year. No big deal. Only it was an AK-47. Inside the city limits. Hey, nobody's perfect. I mean, the "city" in question was Gainesville, and let's be honest, who hasn't fired a fully automatic weapon randomly in downtown Gatorland?

Congrats on taking your already dubious program standards to new heights, Urban Mire. (see what I did there? Yessss.)

Most likely, Wilson was reinstated via UrbTxt, reading, "Plz come bck. Drop yr gunz and lets work on the rl gunz! Ur armz LOL"

srsly??!!

STILL "RED," BUT NO LONGER "BIG"

2008-07-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

Embedded in the title is the link to SMQ's argument that Nebraska will necessarily be vastly improved this season. Bill Callahan and his "defense is what we do while the offense rests" school of football coaching managed to create last year's Husker defense out of solid four- and five-star recruits. Well done, Bill. You made the blackshirts into the little black dresses. Bo Ruud probably wants to smash you, and ought to.

Pictured: 2007 Cornhusker defense

Point is, college football is more fun when Nebraska is good. Sports radio loves to point out how behemoths like the Yankees, the Sawax, the Cowboys, the Lakers, and Notre Dame are necessary evils because the sport is more interesting when they're good. I'll grant you all of those except ND, because, let's face it, it's way more interesting when the Irish are abysmal. What would we do without entertainment like Lou Holtz? One of these days the Fightin' Shillelaghs are going to get so bad that Ol' Lou will have to actually admit that they're bad on-air, leading to a Fembot-from-Austin-Powers-type reaction as his brain overloads from the ultimate "2+2=5" statement in the Holtz universe.

Pictured: Lou Holtz. Just go with it.

Come on, you know it's true. College football really is more interesting when the traditional powers are competitive. Deep in your heart of hearts, you know it's more fun when Nebraska, Penn State, Michigan, Alabama, and even Florida State are good, no matter how many times you've thrown knives at that tacked-up picture of Bo Schembechler in your parents' basement.

AND WHILE WE'RE IN WORSHIP MODE...

2008-07-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

Despair, ye mortals.

And, just because someone got a simile right for once...

To sum this up much better than we ever could, here's Orson over at EDSBS:
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/01/03/ode-to-owen-schmitt/
Here's the video from his post, since removed. It's too good to miss. Please note the bleeding lip.

TAKE HEED, MERE MORTALS

2008-07-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

Click on the title of this post to see the relevant article. If you go to the first page, you'll see that Natalie Portman is a Harvard grad and that Kate Beckinsale is a master poetess or something. And who knew that Asia Carrera was actually just the worst case of daddy-revenge in recorded history?

But the real revelation is that DRAGO IS SUPERHUMAN. Seriously.
"The man reportedly has an IQ of 160. He graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology in Sweden, got his master's in chemical engineering, then was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT. After just two weeks of that, his superhuman intellect allowed him to calculate that a life spent inventing life-saving chemicals would mathematically contain less awesome than one movie spent playing He-Man...Hey, did we mention that he speaks five languages (French, Swedish, German, English and Italian)? Or, that he's a Pentathlon Team Leader and a former Ranger? And a third-degree black belt?"

In other news, Dolph also discovered the 401(k), defused the Cuban Missle Crisis and probably slept with your girlfriend last night. We've been making Chuck Norris jokes, when all this time we had a real live Ubermensch in our midst. And it's not like he was hiding. If a secret identity is your goal, being fucking He-Man and saying, "I will break you" and meaning it aren't the ways to do it.

The point is, atheists, when you get the urge to pray but still hold a grudge against God, just take a shortcut and pray to Dolph. Make sure to beg for mercy.

NOTE: All heads are to scale

2008-07-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

So, Hoover, Alabama, is the epicenter of the annual ten megaton hype explosion that is SEC Media Days. I love this event because it captures the zeitgeist perfectly:

Has anything happened?
NO!
Is something about to happen?
NOT PARTICULARLY!
Is there anything to talk about?
ARE YOU KIDDING?!
Oh... well, wanna make stretch this out over a few days and "report" from it breathlessly every five minutes?
I'VE ALREADY CAMPED OUT FOR A PRIME SABAN ARRIVAL POSITION!

You know how every episode of The Hills basically boils down to a big hunk of nothing? "Will we do something... or should we not?" Media Days is The Hills with highly paid middle-aged men, who thankfully, spend far less time in their bikinis than Audrina. Except for Rich Brooks. Anyway, thanks to 24 hour media saturation, we have an event to discuss things that have not occurred and rehash things that have been covered without pause since last season. It's a giant, expensive celebration of the Nonevent. Thank you, internet, for helping rush society toward this point.

That said, the entertainment is at times unparalleled in these dog days. http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2008/07/tennessees_phillip_fulmer_serv.html

sigh

2008-07-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

We're going to make a go of this because, hey, what do you risk? The fancy will invevitably pass, but until then, it's just too easy to create a digital soapbox these days. Our vanity could resist no longer.